My mother read my paper journal about two weeks ago which really really pissed me off, probably understandably so since it's the one thing she told me she wouldn't do when I left New Haven. My journal was supposed to be a safe place for me to write down anything I wanted to write and express myself. Since I'm 18 now it doesn't particularly matter anymore if she grounds me since she can't really keep me at home if I don't want to be home and she won't take my car since I have to go to work and soon I start back at college.
Major updates:
- I had a baby girl on October 1st, 2009 at 9:09 pm. Her name is Abigail Leilani. I gave her up for adoption, definitely the best thing for her. Her biological father is not on the birth certificate but I did write in some information on him in the paperwork since she might want to know him someday though I think he's a complete jerk. He didn't even ask if she was healthy once he figured out I'd had her and didn't tell him :) I thought he didn't deserve to see her since she was so perfect. Her adoptive parents are calling her Karsen Abigail, which is soo nice of them to keep the name I gave her as her middle name. I picked the best couple I could find and feel great about them raising my baby.
-I got a puppy. She's a labradoodle, born August 7th, 2009. I named her Sunny after the baby in the Series of Unfortunate Events books. The character Sunny has very very sharp teeth and uses them to do everything. Sunny the labradoodle is the same way. Right now she's losing baby teeth and growing adult ones but she hasn't lost her super sharp canines yet. Soon.
-I'm 18 now as of September 16, 2009.
When I was pregnant, on the day I gave birth I was 118 pounds, the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Now I'm down to 98 but I feel like a beached whale still. I started cutting again after Abigail was born. I stopped because I didn't want to do anything that might hurt her in any way, but now that it's just me I started again to help myself cope with everything. I'm getting kicked out of the house soon which is sort of a good thing since right now my mom keeps an eye on everything I do, including what food I eat, how much time I spend away from home, who I hang out with, etc. I just want to live my own life and that means I need to be by myself, but of course with Sunny. I will not move anywhere that won't let me bring my little dog. I take her to the dog park every couple of days so that she can be totally socialized with other dogs and people. She does extremely well so far, but she gets knocked down by the bigger, faster dogs sometimes. Today was a Great Dane that knocked her over and she started screaming bloody murder even though the Great Dane didn't bite her or really hurt her. She was just scared and that scared me.
My goal weight is 13 pounds away now, and I feel terrible, like my willpower is so weak. I know that when I have my own apartment away from all this food in this house and the watchful eye of my mother, I'll be able to drop weight FAST. I look forward to that. Also, I've been taking diuretics and smoking cigarettes to curb my appetite.
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